Rules of the Game

Reflecting on the class:  Just as there are seven levels of grief, I had what felt like seven different successive reactions to the class. The first lasted the time it took me to pack my bag, leave the classroom and walk down the stairs. I think the best word to describe that emotion would be shock. But it was unlike any shock I've experienced before. It wasn't like the surprise you experience upon hearing some juicy piece of gossip or the reaction to a devastating story on the news. It was just as unique and alien to me as the class I had just left. It was not the method by which the class information was conveyed nor even the professor's conspicuous absence that surprised me most. (Strangely, I am not unfamiliar with professors leaving classes unattended.) It was the near total lack of direction that had the most effect upon me. Typically, when I enter a class for the first meeting of the semester I expect to be greeted with sylibi and course expectations, with strict guidelines and attendance policies. But upon entering the class, all we got was a brief introduction, a short list of books, and a discussion topic guideline. That was it. No welcome speech by the professor or a "lets go around the room and say your name". For the first 20 minutes of the class, it felt as though everyone was running through what was written desperately trying to find some concrete starting block for the class. It was as though we had all entered the game confident there would be some sort of stability once we got there but quickly discovered there were no rules, no referees, and no guidelines as to what was in or out and that it was up to us to figure out how to play it. 

Having had a day and a half to reflect on my initial experience, I realize how important it was that the professor was not there for the first class. Immediately, upon reading the first assignment, I understood why she was not there, what point she was trying to prove. But I did not consider what greater implications it had, how it forced some students into leadership roles and how because of that, we as a class, felt much more comfortable being told what to do rather than being asked what to do. When it was left up to us to decide what we wanted there was a general feeling of confusion, distrust, and agitation. We were upset that we were being asked to do something on our own, for ourselves. We had to converse with one another and discuss the topics for our own benefit, not to impress a professor or to get a grade. I think this last phase of reaction to the first day has had the greatest effect upon me. For being part of the generation that constantly feels the need to assert its individualism, one would think that we would exploit the chance to exercise and demonstrate that characteristic. But when given the chance (even in an academic setting), we shrink back and are more comfortable letting someone else take the reins and direct the majority. How true are our feelings if we tout these ideals yet aren't willing to live up to them?